There’s no way any of it can be true but my alarm didn’t go off this morning. I still have time to make it to work, if I hurry. And the one thing about alarm clocks is they should never have been invented, and this line is from a book I’m working on, but that’s another blog……

There are usually a million things to do every morning besides getting dressed. First and foremost I get the coffee pot perking just as  our pet mafia of two starts leaning on me. My cat, Hide, is an orange stealthily wicked and claw accurate top dog type of cat and my dog ,Toby Toes as I call him, knows to keep his distance from Hide. Toby is part Basenji and one constant sweet expression of love and faithfulness on a daily basis. Never-the-less we are talking bowl time right now for both of them or I could get hurt. The the outside bird bath and feeder will have to wait; I’ve no time to lose this morning.

I’ve artfully crafted my use of time wisely and find I slip on my sneakers and make it out the door with moments to spare. This is when I step on that darn banana peel just off our walk as I cut through the flower garden,  just barely stopping my slide into the dirt.  Trouble is my car is locked as always, but I’ve left my keys inside the house. I quickly walk back to our front door where I take my sneaks off. There’s no sense trackin’ dirt in the house and having my wife kill me for it after all these years.

Now if I was anyone but someone like me I might need a new invention to find my keys, one that lets you program a series of items most often lost in the fray of living into to it so when you press a button that lost item your are looking for sounds off like a cell phone might. Follow the beeps and find your keys. ( Aunt Dona this is my answer to your quest for inventive ideas from family members). But I work in a library so beyond what I don’t keep in place everything else is, like my keys that are hanging right where I  left them last night.  I get to the door, sit on the stoop to whip on my sneaks while dodging my dog’s licking tongue. Anytime I get my head down to his level he reminds me I need a washing. I’m up and off to the car, keys in hand.

This is exactly when I see a fly saucer type thing go flying over-head in the sky but I”ve no time to follow that.

Once inside my car I notice a distinct odor coming from somewhere very near me. I look around, sniff a time or two, and note I really do smell bad. I could win wars with my body odor. Odd. That’s when I look around again to see the smelly,brown banana peel I stepped on really has very  little do to with a banana at all, but more likely it is a present left by a neighbor’s good intentioned dog.  I’m not sure what I look like as I scrape and drag the sole of my left sneaker across the lawn over and over as I make my way back to the house. There that should do it; I take off my sneaks and rush into the house.

Fortunately I’ve more than one pair of black sneakers. Picking them up I decide I might as well pour myself a quick cup of coffee to take along with me as I drive to work. I’m a bit late already and I need a creature comfort for the road. Thing is I would be better off now if I’d been paying attention to that coffee cup as I backed out of our driveway. Chins don’t drink coffee: this is a fact. I almost laugh thinking about my open mouth being three inches above my pouring coffee cup, almost that is until the hot coffee baptizes my lap. Can I sue myself is the question. I’m thinking probably not, even in today’s world of miraculous lawyerese. I pull back up our drive, whip out the car door and head to the house.

I take off my sneaks yet again by the front door and slip inside.  While getting on new jeans I’ve a couple of more questions: why are jeans made so thin now-a-days and worse yet, why is underwear thin also? So I could take a shower, but that would make me way late for work. At this point it occurs to me I’d be better off calling in sick than explaining I’d stepped in dog poop and celebrated it by pouring hot coffee on myself. Hmmmm…..Pants on I’m down and out the door in a flash. Sneaks on and headed to my car I still have hope of making it to work during the same day as scheduled.

I turn my car key and recognize a familiar odor is wafting through the air. Heck yeah-it’s the same smell I wish I hadn’t smelled the last time my nose sent me a message. Someone else really needs to be me right now, I’m too busy for it. My right sneaker looks good but alas, lifting the left one is not perfect unless I’m in the septic business- the only way any of this could smell like money. Say hello to putting back on the wrong sneakers! This about does it. I call myself every name I can think of:  Oh dash er all, dancing prancing what a vixen’, why dadgcomet for the love of cupid I’m a dunder donner taking a blitzen of rude offed happenstance, not to mention dog poop. I slap my hand down on the car dash and roll out my car door, though really this is when I hit the floor.

Say what? I sit up awake. I don’t work today! Why that’s right! It’s Christmas for Christ Sake!!! The alarm is set to not go off at all.  I’ve no children now, at least none living at home who are small. So it was all a stinkin’ dream waking me up just to say, Ho hoHo ho…now get up and be thankful you can start over today.

Merry Christmas; Season’s Best.  And NO I’m not done writing this year-this was just a test.

Franque

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