So, you’re coming up on 40. And all of us 40ish know what this means: you’re about to become much like the last soggy pickle choice in the refrigerator, congrats on that. Sure your mirror now has someone else’s crow’s feet in it but don’t worry-few people will be able to see your face through the pile of self denial you now live under. Oh I know you mean it when you tell your friends you’d love to be playing touch football if it weren’t for your chiropractic appointment but heads up!- The light you’re waiting at while making this cell call has changed twice already! You need to relax, take a step back. You deserve a break almost as much as you need one. It’s time now to  review what you’ve done so far with your Life and perhaps take a look at what you hope to accomplish from this point onward. (BTW, that’s not gum on your shoes you feel as you take a step back, that’s just how it feels to walk after 40). And I know, I know- most likely, even by now, you can’t remember much of what you may have done up till now.  But  don’t worry, I can help with this.

Basically, you’ve done nothing-nice job. Sure, you may have shoveled a few tons of steak, peas and garlic whipped potatoes into that mouth of yours but beyond this, not much. But there’s good news-now at forty most of your productive years, the good years, are over. No need to worry much about trying to ‘catch up’ to lost time, as if anyone can. Heck, you’re about to spend a year feeling like you’re doing 40 in a 25 MPH zone. Bro, it’s over, finished, fini, did and done, your creme burlee time is washed up, left for dead on the shores of your ‘what could have been’ Life. Still, you can cheer up-what you hold on to now amongst the waves of time, this nothingness of by-gone efforts, is far better than what is coming, trust me. So what’s coming?

Looking down the road of Life ahead what you should see, if your eyes have not yet gone bad, is a truck load of crap headed your way. Sorry but there’s no time to change course, it’s too late. Doctors from now on will explain the conditions you have are due to the fact of living this long-so enjoy them. The asthma, arthritis, glaucoma, trigger fingers, various fungi, slipped disc symptoms, hearing loss and dementia all come for free at this point. They’ll be plenty for you to share and talk about with your friends-those who are still living that is. So you might as well sit back and enjoy the view of the train coming down the track you’re tied to. My advice is to simply find a chair as most elders do and enjoy it. You should, however, try to a get a rocking chair so you’re sure to be able to get out of it when you need to-nothing like being ‘late’ for the bathroom-people get put away for that kind of  a ‘performance’ at your age.  Once it was important to make it to the church on time. Now, it’s the toilet clocking your time-don’t be late.

So what is there to do? I’ve got a few ideas for you that, unfortunately, will most likely help about as much as it usually does to tell a teenager to study instead of going out, drive slower or to wear a condom. I don’t know, perhaps the best advice I can give is that you pray the slippery slope your traveling down will remain well greased? Anyway, remaining optimistic I offer you these: first off start buying raised toilet seats, low step in showers, elevators for any stairs you might have, and huge screen TVs coupled with 300 watt amplifiers for sound. It’s important to begin writing notes for everything-record people’s names, places you go, where you keep your phone book, important birthdays, your wife’s name and even your own name (keep a note of where you have this name of yours hidden), and look in the mirror a lot. I know you look bad now, but keep telling yourself how much worse it’s gonna get as time goes by-this can be a great ‘ pick-me up’ in the morning for both sexes. Guys, you need to do yoga in hopes of not becoming a ‘B’ cup too early on.  Women, you need to do yoga in hopes of not becoming a living testament to the forces of gravity. That’s about it. There’s tons more to tell you but, hmmm, I’ve forgotten it all-there’s no hope of me finding the lists I made. Sorry.

Oh, one more thing- I can’t believe you’re Forty-I don’t care who you are! How bad is that? Darn it, now I’m older too! Thanks pal. It’s sort of like being stuck in the bottom of a roller-coaster while knowing the next train is already on its way. Great Job my friend-go a head, turn 40. See If I care. By the way-you really should write, every day, have I mentioned that? 40 year old people need to write…Get back on track; write a book about all the things you can’t remember, the World needs to hear from you. Really, they do. It’s not too late-most likely, with luck, you’ve got a couple of good months left and you’re  smart. Come to think of it, forget all that stuff I said about being 40-you still have potential! Heck, I’d say it’s  likely most of you have a great chance to make it to 50, maybe even past that!-go for it. Maybe that is just gum on your shoe after all? Not gum you say? What about Taffy?

Friends- Franque

Here’s a segway to  turning 60 for those who haven’t read it:

60: my speed limit.