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I’d almost think I had that double chin, cracked canyons around my eyes, a turkey neck gobblers would die for, and hair in my enlarging ears and elongating nose if I didn’t know better. My mirror’s so off.

Still, I decided to lose 30 pounds by April 1st of this year and misplace my beer. Not that I believe my mirror–oh, no-

Clearly, the simplest reason I can think of is the cause for my mirror’s mistaken image.  Any fool would realize that UFO’S had landed, broken into my house-kinda drifted through the walls like they do- and pumped one million tons of flab into my chin, neck and belly last night as I slept. Of course, there’s no trace of evidence(but for my body) that this dastardly deed took place since the blubber platoon from Mars mashed  any leftover lard they had into my ear lobes and sinking eye lids. And all for a stupid Holiday laugh! Some people/Greys will go to any distance…

 Mr. Idea man strikes again....

Mr. Idea man strikes again….

Idea! I’ve decided to change out my bathroom mirrors for fun house mirrors-that should have a drastic effect on those dang Space People pranks. Anyway, about those 20 pounds and beers I intend to lose by May 31st…

I’m passing up on my usual New Year Resolutions for this new one: lose 18 pounds by August or bust, and a beer or two can go. Why? My old tired and used up resolutions were like shooting for the moon-too impossible to keep. Speaking of shooting, my usual first go to New Year’s resolution, don’t shoot the neighbors, is getting riskier by the year, so much harder to keep, so it’s done, over, fini, kaput. The second one, quit crossing in the middle of the block unless the corner is, like, really far, and it’s raining or sorta cold, seems lame cause I am, at least I never make the corner. Not driving through too many yellow lights is just stupid, and my last resolution, no starting movies past midnight without getting popcorn and stuff ready first, is an easy work-a-round. A stale bag of chips left behind the couch works for stuff being ready. Roll the film please. NO! This year I’m up for a new me, and it all started with two pictures, and the mistaken image my mirror photo shopped on my face this morning…

First, I happened to find a picture  of me taken one thousand years ago-

It started with a picture of the ol' me....

My new, Improved New Year’s resolution started with finding a picture of the ol’ me….

Then, I saw a Holiday season picture taken of both of me this year!

Of course, you can't tell i"m wearing a tire around my middle-that's just for affect.

Of course, you can’t tell I’m wearing an inflatable tire around my middle under my shirt-that stomach bulge is just for effect, plus I’m a Gemini.

It was an easy shot to call. My wife’s brother and sister-in-law had arrived and I’d oozed myself down by my wife for the picture. You can tell my wife is hoping I don’t pick this moment to explode. I feel good about my chances while my in-laws seem less certain.  But, I’m saying-I can do this. 15 pounds by next September will be a piece of cake, or several that I’ve walked away from more often than not-but forget that part about losing the one-half beer. They say drinking one-half a beer is good for a person as long as they don’t break the bottle getting it.

Being in shape, losing weight, is all in the mind.

I am thin; I am thin; I am...

I am thin; I am thin; We are…

Most importantly, the whole premise of losing weight is an environmental issue. The trick is to not lose too much weight, since energy is never gained or lost but only converted. Lose too much weight and you’ve put that whole mess out there to run a muck -in a way, dieters trash up our environment with globs of invisible fat they lose, or all of that weight loss ripples through our society in other, more nefarious ways. Maybe, one dieter stops eating twelve pounds of chocolate every night and as a result some small chocolate factory goes bankrupt. The employees are let go, and one fired worker who’s driving like a madman to a bar  runs over your neighbor’s pet snake-that’s never good. Now, your enraged next door block mate may start believing the horns he sees on your head are real. See? Weight loss goes round and round and encircles us all.

The main catalyst to weight loss is relaxation.

This technique involves drinking eight glasses of wine first, then using those glasses as suction cups to drag the worrisome weight out of a person. Absolute genius.

This technique involves drinking ten glasses of wine first, then using those glasses as suction cups to drag the worrisome weight out of a person. Absolute genius.

When you think about it, next November is way far off, like my mirror, so who couldn’t lose 3 pounds by next November fifteenth?!?!?! Ha! And let’s not get nit-picky about my starting resolution to lose 30 pounds by whenever. 30 pounds or 3 pounds-there’s very little difference between the two, if any at all! Only a simple zero went missing from one number to the other, and zero is zip-nada-nothing, zilch! Ya can’t collect zero, or weigh it for that matter. And time is relative to, hmm, actually nothing. Anyway, this is why I suggest that true weight loss comes down to determination, a bunch of random numbers. uniquely distorted and romanticized self-images, plus a bit of fuzzy math.

One question keeps pounding my brain: is weight loss matter? Though, I’m dyslexic, confused, and a bad speller, so the question could be completely different, something like-does lost weight matter? I don’t know either way.

The great news is my resolution for 2015 is set. I’m losing three pounds by the night before next Thanksgiving, November 25th, period! There, I’ve written it* so there’s little chance I’ll be turning back on this resolution.

Free secret: this may be the easiest way to lose weight-

Pile family, neighbors, anyone you can find in front of you for picture moments......voila! The new, almost invisible you!

Pile family, neighbors, anyone you can find in front of you for picture moments……voila! The new, almost invisible you!

Franque23-Merry 2015!

*I never signed anything.
here are links for both of my books in the Avatar Magic Series:
Book one, Avatar Magic and book two, The Code of Avatar Magic are on kindle now.

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