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I recently read that ten heads explode everyday from not reading at least three Meme’s per day. It’s a fact; I’ve already gone back in the bathroom and checked on that wall again. However, there’s no mention about the size or shape of the Meme-that’s troublesome.



To compare me to what I once was you’d simply have to have a very good memory and a bunch of mirrors. Looking back, my fellow employees once asked if they should nominate me for Survivor. Now, that show might consider me if they needed a drift wood prop.

Often, learning a bit of history can teach an ear -full.

Once, there was this guy….

I'm saving my expanding hand made paper hat we bought in the Bahama's for tomorrow....

None of this should be allowed…WTH happened?

(In case you missed the lead up..this post from 2010 is funny-promise. …

Decaying, ruinated, defunctafied, squishated, flatasided, finishatored and donered-that’s me at 67 going on 100. If my asthma gives me a breath, my splitting fingers still find the sharp end of a hook. My eyes can’t see the stairs I fell down and my bursitis-afied knees feel almost better for the fall. I’d duck to see this all coming-as if. This bent over twig of a frame of mine would snap in two at the thought. Then there’s my center of gravity belly issue-what the hell is that? Some alternate dysfunctional bizzaro universe has landed upon me and absorbed the middle of me.

wife pointing to he middle of the problem

wife pointing to the middle of the problem

Thought may be the worst problem of all, if I could remember one?  Somewhere in my house is a drawer full of dusty, moldy ol’ thoughts that are completely deadified. But there’s a bright side for those who are not yet 67: you’re not yet 67, end of story…*

Oh, I’m not bitter about being this old. Please don’t get me wrong. Harsh, haggard, burnt to beyond crispy, horrified by old pictures, I used to wear turtlenecks not be them, a craggy, draggy,  bottomed butt roast with skinny chicken legs, a funny mole farm with no hair, no grip but ton’s of gripes, a loose cannon of dropping balls and feet that wouldn’t feel a rhino step on them, yes, I’m all that ,but not ever bitter. Bitter would be way extreme.

Turkey neck for took two to hold me up for the shot....

Turkey neck for sale….it took two to hold me up for the shot….

So all you new fangled people under 67-don’t say I didn’t write on the wall-check the three-way bathroom stalls-it’s all there. Simon once wrote, “It’s all happening at the zoo.” There’s a sense of humor for ya. My zoo is sorta centralized like my weather report-hazy, foggy, unwanted precipitation, cold, hot, random gusts of flatulence accompanied by belching sounds all out of tune with my ringing ears.  Head’s-up! Those ding-dong sounds on the T.V. are actually words-go figure.

It really isn’t that bad; once you’ve lost about everything, then your mind goes. What’s to worry when every day’s a new day and every face, place, word, thought, fart or burp is  new, too! Greetings to my old friends who ever the hell you are! Let’s party, dance, maybe romance (try to remember those kinds of September) or maybe, just party-skip the dance- or sit on the couch to talk before we need the potty, or even better, let’s nap. Yes, stay home and nap at 67-it’s easier than trying to recall how to dress.

I remember being able to tie my shoes and stuff

I remember being able to tie my shoes and stuff( Lake Bonaparte.) I could even go out in a boat and make it back by myself!

Example: I once knew a guy (me) who went to the beach, like three days ago, and pulled down his shorts to go swimming before recalling  he meant to wear his suit under his shorts….if only. Fortunately, there were no witnesses who didn’t see.  Remember those dropping balls I mentioned? I signed autographs most the afternoon-no wait, were those police and lawyers/ I forget-**


Me! In another life with a big fish.

Me! In another life with a big fish.

*Of course, I couldn’t leave turning sixty out……enjoy-

** Okay, I did have my boxer’s on so even asking to sign autographs didn’t work. People are soooo demanding these days.


Okay, let’s get down to it. Mother’s Day is really about Mom’s Incredible Expanding Center.

Twelve basketballs later, this mom was still eating!

Twelve basketballs later, this mom was still eating!

Women have this thing going on that can’t be normal. It’s called nature, but  I say it’s all freaky. There isn’t a guy on the planet that ever plans on expanding to twice their size to deliver-not gonna happen. Here’s why-it ain’t normal.

That’s right.  Somewhere way back during evolution Mother Nature got it wrong and decided children should be born.

Children grown on trees is a much better idea.

Random idea for this post:

Huge pegs don't fit thru small holes......

Huge pegs aren’t meant to go thru small holes……

See below? There’s a large glob of baby that’s hoping to fit through a small opening….

Look at the phyisics...nothing is working.

Look at the physics…nothing is working.

Heck, just ask any mom how that birthing process goes pain wise and you’ll know it’s all wrong. And what ever happened to the pleasure-pain principle of running or staying put!?!? You’d think women would never sleep after all this birthing history, at least not in beds. No, if evolution held true, women would all be track stars or astronauts by now. (Remember , there are also twins, heck even six-packs of newborn siblings come along sometimes).

Eons of not learning.

Eons of not learning.

It’s important to tell a pregnant woman how nice she looks, since everyone knows people were never meant to resemble bowling balls with feet.

“You look lovely.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“Just how many of you are there, anyway?” Asked no living guy.

There’s usually about fifty pounds of an expectant mother you just can’t miss. But it’s okay-very weird-if women want to be three times the size of any other living person. Whatever—this expand-o-max routine works especially well in plane seats, movie theaters, narrow hallways, cars and couches. Nature has it all planned, for elephants. Thing is, there’s an idea or two missing when it comes to women giving birth.

For one, everyone knows babies need nourishment but Nature has that screwed up for people, too…

Eat up mom!

Eat up mom!

Who ever said size doesn’t matter never gave birth or had to walk around a pregnant woman.

Try to stay off your feet until after the baby's born.

I keep thinking about those things society used to use called phone booths. “I’ve got to call the hospital; the baby’s coming!” How did that work?

It’s all a bit screwy. Other animals have this  worked out-they give birth to small things that triple in size almost over night once they’re down and out the shoot. Not people. No, people like to give birth to babies with huge heads, and that part comes out first! “Perfect!”, said no mother during delivery.

All this should be happening on a children tree.

All this should be happening on a children tree.

People, every one of us, are freaks of nature. Maybe, that’s the problem with Mankind. God, or the Gods, placed bets that none of us would ever happen. When we did, they just threw up their hands and began to drink heavily.

I guess we’re all miracles, and most of all-Mother’s.

I hope you have a huge, Happy Mother’s Day.


here are links for both of my books in the Avatar Magic Series:
Book one, Avatar Magic and book two, The Code of Avatar Magic are on kindle now.

There was an odd thing about this latest cruise-I couldn’t lose weight no matter how much I ate!*

Honestly, I stayed dedicated to the diet, the attempt of a lifetime, certain to drain some of those unwanted pounds right into the ocean, but it was a no go.

I tried every thing.

Maybe, this guy did, too.

Maybe, not everything…


No amount of fruit-all kinds- or drinks, smashes, frozen, a zillion shots in one cup!, beer(s) on tap, iced funny named booze, rum-filled pineapples that mysteriously looked like coconuts to me by day four, hot coffee, cold soda and one million gallons of water-forget it, nothing washed away the pounds!

I hammered the pork loin, roast beef, filet mignon(s), Chateaubriand-I can’t Belize how much they expected me to eat. But, I only ate two lobsters-this the weakest link of my feel and look young again planned execution for the cruise.

I had a solid, well thought out plan in place.

I had a solid, well thought out plan in place.

Lobsters swam through my dreams by night; veggies up the kazoo filled my plate by day. Omelets included kitchen sinks, and why not bacon, sausage, and chicken fingers for breakfast(?). I was tempted to pass up the cookies but never the flanges, meringues, I never tasted mango cream pie like that-not to mention the mango soup-but was there a type of cake I missed?-I think not. Still, I knew several helpings of cherry, blueberry or whatever berry crumb pie wouldn’t tilt my scale an inch. NO. I needed something more, but what?

Late night BUFFETS had to be the key to losing weight.

Of course, there was still a chance those mid-afternoon fix-a-stomach-slump piled a mile high burgers and fat fries would do the trick. Lord knows having four appetizers before dinner had failed miserably. Added to my chagrin, fellow sail-mate, Mike, could very well have been out eating me! I could see his face getting thinner by the day!

In the end, there was still more to eat.

I mean, one day is only one day. It was time to eat on. That’s when those late night pizza’s, sandwiches, surprise open buffet-Look more deserts!- came in handy to the plate before me. Fortunately for my eat away fat plan, the plates offered resembled foot ball fields that had been molded upward at the edges and stacked so they might be passed off as lunch/dinner dishes. They barely cleared the doorways. It was so simple to choose what to take from the selections offered-everything would fit nicely on those plates.

This cruiser was starting to get the idea.....

This cruiser was starting to get the idea…..

Foodish cruisin’ connoisseurs needed a fork and a fork lift to help haul food plates around as they selected seating. Mostly, the passengers were your average folk.

Some looked familiar.

Some looked familiar.

Others had a vague look in their eye, like ones  seen on mathematicians or scientists.

Others had a vague look in their eye, like ones seen on the faces of mathematicians or scientists.

It was around Thursday, the fifth day of this cruising for losing voyage,  when my eat-the-galley-empty platform began to kick in. The ocean had been rockin’ for days, now my stomach had learned the tune. Nah, I wasn’t sea-sick, not at all-loved the rocking.(perk for alcoholics–no one could tell a drunk from someone sober when most people were banging against stairwells and corridor walls as they motivated to the next buffet line-honest.) Anyway, it was on Thursday afternoon when I looked upon the beautiful Caribbean turquoise waters and knew I’d succeeded.  I couldn’t eat another thing! I was done, finished, call it a wrap, over, full, completely out of the eating running game….until dinner. Those two hours were amazing, but for the hamburger…

Random idea-thought I’d float this on by.

images (23)The Spa really needs to add mouth stretching to its list of optional treatments.

About those burgers. The miracle was there. You get one, simple cheese burger and then float by a buffet add-on deal. Pickles, onion, olives, peppers, chili peppers, mushrooms, need more lettuce? and what about that special sauce anyway? Thing is, by the time I reached the other end of the maybe add this bar I didn’t have a hamburger anymore. It was more like a miniature Mount Everest had settled on my plate, and then it soon landed in my stomach.

I think this guy forgot the onions.....

I think this guy forgot the onions…..

I remember thinking that my stomach had come to resemble a ski-slope. That’s why I went down the three water work slides-somehow it all made sense.

When I add up the cost of all the food I diligently ate in an effort to lose weight, I figure the cruise ship lost about five thousand dollars on me. NO need to worry-I noticed most nights people were only eating one or two entrees at dinner. Certainly, the normal run-of-the-mill guest didn’t touch the five entrees I’d once ordered on a cruise some time back.( I am forever family famous for that as being one who’d mastered a gluttonous expertise.)

The SunShine six! Funny how the police give you a name and it somehow sticks!

The SunShine six! Funny how the police give you a name and it somehow sticks!

It is with a remorseful sense of failure to comply to the strictest of standards when it comes to dietary eating that I must confess I am not lacking a single pound that I’d carried on board that ship at the start of the cruise. NO, the chocolate mousse, cheese Danish, Russian knock-offs and Istanbul wannabe cream puffs, the meringues, melting cups, cheese cakes, so many flange cakes of every flavor, those dang mango mille feuilles and panna cottas all went for naught.

I stared out our cabin window wondering where all that food i"d eaten had gone?!?! Then, I looked down. (Hint:Never look down on a cruise.)

I stared out our cabin window wondering where all that food I’d eaten had gone?!?! Then, I looked down. (Hint: Never look down on a cruise.)

Thing is, nothing worked about my plan, and I blame this all on those two nights I passed up the cream brulee. What was I thinking! I guess there’s always next time. “Try harder!” That’s what dad used to say.


* Absolutely my wife’s joke.

here are links for both of my books in the Avatar Magic Series:
Book one, Avatar Magic and book two, The Code of Avatar Magic are on kindle now.




My New Year’s foolslution this year was to re-gain my six-pack. So, I went out and started buying them, but they turned into a keg-belly, not a ripped torso. Odd. It seemed the more I tried the worse it got!

My self image was growing.....

My self-image was growing…..

Thing is, I’d wrestled most of my earlier years, beginning in second grade with my first official match in sixth and then on through high school.  I was flexible then, muscular for my age and quite successful at the sport( my entire lifetime record was 62ish wins and 2 losses). I had a six-pack then, and I’d never drank a single one! Go figure.

Being young has it's advantages....

Being young has it’s advantages….(Not me pictured.then or now..)

It’s April, and I’ve officially started to do yoga again daily, kicking in leg lifts and fifty stair push-ups as well. Who’d want to start in January!?!?! Ha! Anyway, it’s a start-moving from round to fit, maybe. I play Lisa Lynn Harp music as I workout every morning-love that music- but I have to say this repetitive tune thing I have going on drives my wife nuts, and now my dog scoots up the stairs to escape the morning barrage of lets feel good music, too.  Let’s face it, Shadow’s in shape at 1 and 1/2, and he’d rather be listening to squirrels chomping up in his jaws than me huffing on a mat.

But it’s all good, and since there’s ten thousand things I’d like to recommend, doing Yoga is one of them.

This is me leading a yoga session up at our Lake House-about four years ago.....sigh.

This is me leading a yoga session up at our Lake House-about four years ago…..sigh.

I started yoga in earnest at age 55 and did it nearly daily for seven years. The routine made me feel ten years younger and much stronger than the 54-year-old me I’d been when I started. Do yourself a favor-start any yoga routine that suits your fancy and stick with it to see what happens.

Random note(and picture):

Idea! It's a miracle I survived......

Idea! It’s a miracle I survived……

Robin and I would be first out in the water at Alexander Springs back in 1970ish.  Not sure, but it seemd Gators were sleeping with their faces pointed toward the spring until we disturbed them-they'd swim on down river....

Robin(my cousin) and I would be first out in the water at Alexander Springs* back in 1970ish. Not sure, but it seemed the Gators we often swam over were sleeping with their faces pointed toward the spring until we disturbed them-they’d swim on down river….I never felt in danger–hahahah…..So there are also disadvantages to being young.

So why did I ever stop doing yoga? Well,  one-off day easily leads to the next, and what once was time to do the routine becomes time to do other stuff. Plus, there’s ice cream, cakes, chips, crackers, spreads, jams, barbecue, not soda fountains, parties and those six-packs.

Not soda bars....

Not soda fountains….

It's really very simple-a person can work out or pass out....and then dream he's working out!!!! Wowowowo/.

It’s really very simple-a person can work out or pass out….and then dream he’s working out!!!! Wowowowo/.

In fact, when you compare the few things yoga does for a person-makes them strong, more fit, happier, thinner-to all the other reasons not to do yoga, well, it’s a no-brainer. Did I mention Football season and beer? And ice-cream cakes….the choice is simple.

I'm thinkin' this guy watched a few too many games.....

I’m thinkin’ this guy watched a few too many games…..

Find some simple stretches you like doing, and remember to hold your positions for 30 seconds. Don’t worry about how far down your hands go, or knees bend, just do what you can. Bend don’t break, that’s the rule. Quickly, the body regains its elasticity and a person becomes more flexible.

I spent Saturday at Alexander Springs snorkeling at my favorite Florida spring.

Ah--Alexander Springs....I'd like my cousins, etc. to one day see this place.

Ah–Alexander Springs….I’d like my cousins, and readers to one day see this place.

But I completely missed this! Jeez/Geeez...

But I completely missed this! Jeez/Ge’ez…

It was crowded, being Easter Weekend, but I couldn’t help notice one well chiseled young man who walked into the water up to his waist. He stopped, turned to face the beach head and started cupping water in both hands and pouring the water over his head and, yes, letting the water drip down across his six-pack. “What an a-hole,” I thought. It was as if he was anointing his body with water for all to see.”Show off,” I scoffed.

Now, if I can only get to look like that guy! Many think I’ve already 1/2 of his routine down with only one body to go.

They say every successful endeavor starts with a workable plan...I be alone and must think-

They say every successful endeavor starts with a workable plan…I must be alone; I have to think-

Cheers and Beers, and yoga, too. Good luck. And really , I might not have started this whole thing again if my sister hadn’t noted during her recent visit that I looked like a half-dead, soggy donut of a snail. So go out and challenge someone(should be someone you know)-do them the favor. And no, I am not a snail. My sister’s so off:-)


* I wrote about this spring before—-please enjoy!

here are links for both of my books in the Avatar Magic Series:
Book one, Avatar Magic and book two, The Code of Avatar Magic are on kindle now.

I’d almost think I had that double chin, cracked canyons around my eyes, a turkey neck gobblers would die for, and hair in my enlarging ears and elongating nose if I didn’t know better. My mirror’s so off.

Still, I decided to lose 30 pounds by April 1st of this year and misplace my beer. Not that I believe my mirror–oh, no-

Clearly, the simplest reason I can think of is the cause for my mirror’s mistaken image.  Any fool would realize that UFO’S had landed, broken into my house-kinda drifted through the walls like they do- and pumped one million tons of flab into my chin, neck and belly last night as I slept. Of course, there’s no trace of evidence(but for my body) that this dastardly deed took place since the blubber platoon from Mars mashed  any leftover lard they had into my ear lobes and sinking eye lids. And all for a stupid Holiday laugh! Some people/Greys will go to any distance…

 Mr. Idea man strikes again....

Mr. Idea man strikes again….

Idea! I’ve decided to change out my bathroom mirrors for fun house mirrors-that should have a drastic effect on those dang Space People pranks. Anyway, about those 20 pounds and beers I intend to lose by May 31st…

I’m passing up on my usual New Year Resolutions for this new one: lose 18 pounds by August or bust, and a beer or two can go. Why? My old tired and used up resolutions were like shooting for the moon-too impossible to keep. Speaking of shooting, my usual first go to New Year’s resolution, don’t shoot the neighbors, is getting riskier by the year, so much harder to keep, so it’s done, over, fini, kaput. The second one, quit crossing in the middle of the block unless the corner is, like, really far, and it’s raining or sorta cold, seems lame cause I am, at least I never make the corner. Not driving through too many yellow lights is just stupid, and my last resolution, no starting movies past midnight without getting popcorn and stuff ready first, is an easy work-a-round. A stale bag of chips left behind the couch works for stuff being ready. Roll the film please. NO! This year I’m up for a new me, and it all started with two pictures, and the mistaken image my mirror photo shopped on my face this morning…

First, I happened to find a picture  of me taken one thousand years ago-

It started with a picture of the ol' me....

My new, Improved New Year’s resolution started with finding a picture of the ol’ me….

Then, I saw a Holiday season picture taken of both of me this year!

Of course, you can't tell i"m wearing a tire around my middle-that's just for affect.

Of course, you can’t tell I’m wearing an inflatable tire around my middle under my shirt-that stomach bulge is just for effect, plus I’m a Gemini.

It was an easy shot to call. My wife’s brother and sister-in-law had arrived and I’d oozed myself down by my wife for the picture. You can tell my wife is hoping I don’t pick this moment to explode. I feel good about my chances while my in-laws seem less certain.  But, I’m saying-I can do this. 15 pounds by next September will be a piece of cake, or several that I’ve walked away from more often than not-but forget that part about losing the one-half beer. They say drinking one-half a beer is good for a person as long as they don’t break the bottle getting it.

Being in shape, losing weight, is all in the mind.

I am thin; I am thin; I am...

I am thin; I am thin; We are…

Most importantly, the whole premise of losing weight is an environmental issue. The trick is to not lose too much weight, since energy is never gained or lost but only converted. Lose too much weight and you’ve put that whole mess out there to run a muck -in a way, dieters trash up our environment with globs of invisible fat they lose, or all of that weight loss ripples through our society in other, more nefarious ways. Maybe, one dieter stops eating twelve pounds of chocolate every night and as a result some small chocolate factory goes bankrupt. The employees are let go, and one fired worker who’s driving like a madman to a bar  runs over your neighbor’s pet snake-that’s never good. Now, your enraged next door block mate may start believing the horns he sees on your head are real. See? Weight loss goes round and round and encircles us all.

The main catalyst to weight loss is relaxation.

This technique involves drinking eight glasses of wine first, then using those glasses as suction cups to drag the worrisome weight out of a person. Absolute genius.

This technique involves drinking ten glasses of wine first, then using those glasses as suction cups to drag the worrisome weight out of a person. Absolute genius.

When you think about it, next November is way far off, like my mirror, so who couldn’t lose 3 pounds by next November fifteenth?!?!?! Ha! And let’s not get nit-picky about my starting resolution to lose 30 pounds by whenever. 30 pounds or 3 pounds-there’s very little difference between the two, if any at all! Only a simple zero went missing from one number to the other, and zero is zip-nada-nothing, zilch! Ya can’t collect zero, or weigh it for that matter. And time is relative to, hmm, actually nothing. Anyway, this is why I suggest that true weight loss comes down to determination, a bunch of random numbers. uniquely distorted and romanticized self-images, plus a bit of fuzzy math.

One question keeps pounding my brain: is weight loss matter? Though, I’m dyslexic, confused, and a bad speller, so the question could be completely different, something like-does lost weight matter? I don’t know either way.

The great news is my resolution for 2015 is set. I’m losing three pounds by the night before next Thanksgiving, November 25th, period! There, I’ve written it* so there’s little chance I’ll be turning back on this resolution.

Free secret: this may be the easiest way to lose weight-

Pile family, neighbors, anyone you can find in front of you for picture moments......voila! The new, almost invisible you!

Pile family, neighbors, anyone you can find in front of you for picture moments……voila! The new, almost invisible you!

Franque23-Merry 2015!

*I never signed anything.
here are links for both of my books in the Avatar Magic Series:
Book one, Avatar Magic and book two, The Code of Avatar Magic are on kindle now.

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