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Okay, I get it: we’re all different. Thing is, how different?

Of course I know it’s almost Thanksgiving, a time for food fetish feasting…so it’s the perfect time for this glob.

Let’s just get to it—I feel like I’m one guy yelling in the wind.  “– One-third of Americans have taken part in some sort of fetish or kink play.”* I may be a complete loser when it comes to the fetish game.  Apparently, I was born on another planet and merely shipped here to keep a sense of balance in the polls, not sure.

Thing is, why do people nibble toes?  Yes, people love to do this and it’s in plenty of movies, but why toes? Basically toes sweat in socks all day, right? Unless you take baths, how many people successfully bend over in showers to clean them? Yeah, no…you can’t start a date or third date depending upon on long it takes to need to ask your prospective partner if they take bathes or showers–that’s awkward.  Yet, it’s important to note that swallowing toe jam may not be the best thing. Who knows what’s in toe jam? When you get down to the microscopics of it all, there could spiders in that crap! Mushrooms may grow down there; bugs of any kind. Insects that have lived over the 6000 years people have only been on the planet (give to take a few million years) may have evolved into any type of toe jam eating organism. I’ve never seen a jar of jelly for sale labeled toe jam or even at a discounted price so , for me, toe nibbling is out.

Plenty of people nibble ears—huff, huff, ‘I have to nibble your ear’ said who?—again you see it in on zillion movies but why? Ears have ear wax in them right? What’s the break down on ear wax—I’d like to know. This is the sort of stuff we needed to learn in high school or middle school before we began diving in before lunch! Is ear wax high in protein and low in saturated fats? Maybe ear wax is the best diet food we’ve yet to discover? I’m not sure but it would have to come with some sort of warning……”Danger, there may be a bunch of hardware on that ear.” Before you nibble on a pierced ear you need to ask yourself a few simple questions: where did that hardware come from and where has it been?  I get it that tongue rings are ‘special,’ but what happens if a tongue rings meets an ear piercing? The two can tango or tangle? By the way–is ear wax fattening; has anyone asked? Are there fungus’s to be concerned about in the ear…it all needs studying.

For all we know, the plague might start from someone ingesting ear wax.

Then there’s under arms. I can’t wait to lick your under arms! Who knows what might be there? Maybe a bunch of deodorant full of carcinogenic material no one has tested? Plus, there’s sweat—you know, the stuff a body has outcast as trash. Yum.

Yes, it’s your deodorant I long for. (Like the perfect ad, right?)

Please don’t kiss me now.

Belly buttons are special, right. I get that ,too. But one thought: if you enjoy navel fuzz, have you tried licking your dryer filter?

We once were attached to mom there but now we’ve run a muck with piercing the area for what?

Are we decorating our life source or stabbing it?

Let’s hope that isn’t loaded.

Thing is, munching on a navel is enticing to some, but why talk with a mouth full of marbles while making love…” um bov, yu oeces,”  Again, about those tongue piecing and navel bells. I think the enticing part of nibbling on belly button is most likely that we’re on our way south. But, what if we get stuck there? Listen people do get stuck in all sorts of situations. You decide.**

So, there’s a zillion fetishes to talk about but I wanna skip the one about spanking. Listen, spankings are bad and we all know it from about day one. Mom can’t count to three slow enough and when dad gets home against all your prayers the entire world seems lost to the devil when he arrives. Still, some enjoy getting their butt walloped until their ass is red. Me? Nah. All I can think of is a guy or woman getting carpel tunnel after hearing , “May I have another” for the millionth time. I’d think one might lose a bunch of weight delivering a spanking but is that the point of sex?

In the end, (whoops) don’t beat yourself up over it.

There’s a million ways people find pleasure and I’m about to think 99.9% of them are weird to me since I’m from another planet.  But all of this, whether you indulged or not, doesn’t define who you might be in society. Don’t forget, President Lyndon B. Jonson had punishing shower heads in stalled in his White House shower.(Oh my god, this is so much worse than I’d read before).*** But that’s an entire different thing-self fetish, pain a punishment.

Me? I like the sex—you can keep the ‘au Jus.’

















Okay Suzie Q, I do love the way you walk.

Just look at that mud! Woodstock.

Just look at that mud! Woodstock.

Heck, I noticed the difference in first grade. The girls were lighter on their feet, somehow balanced to attract my attention. Their hair was way longer,  worse, they knew stuff-some sort of magical power made them better readers and spellers.

So yeah, those early childhood magical female powers morphed big time during the high school years into throat gulping physical traits, ones that could crack a guys head open with one look.

Here, four guys practice yoga neck exercises on a park bench.  Hot took on it’s third meaning in high outside, hot to touch and ouch, plain hot. streetharassment-330x220


None of anything about this was fair. Girls who I thought of as women filled all guy’s minds with distraction. Females used fashion, makeup, too many smiles, hand holding-more-to dominate the scene from the pseudo-rear of power within our groupings. unnamed-4It’s been going on, like forever….

Plus, all the management of boys was encased by girl’s sharpened wit, tongues that spoke way beyond earthly speed, a million perfumed smells, a ton of books they read, whims that changed daily, skirts that might ride up when they sat at a desk, “Let’s dance” moves, great ideas about kissing, walking and those parties. Every guy I knew remained rigidly fixed by their popularity, or not, among the girls-that was key. For me, sports was an inner drive but the crowd and who it comprised was always important.

Two young men judging woman

Two young men practice math with flash cards.

The saddest thing is most high school guys were aware of the gigantic brains supported by those faces and bodies we looked over but it seldom mattered what those minds thought. The issue was mostly sex. There is an entire book* that postulates America’s move west from the east coast was led by whore houses being built further and further west as a result of laws making prostitution illegal in the east. I remember Chicago was a major whore house for New York City clients once the Big Apple shut down the business-sorta. So, roads needed to be built and other businesses popped up along the whore trade routes.

Why is it all sad? For one, the result of most men’s single fascination with the female body rather than their mind is that Mankind has missed out on most of Women’s mental powers throughout our history! Yikes!!

This man's reading all the fine print about the calamity right now.

This man’s reading all the fine print about the calamity right now.

But let’s put this another way–what if that censorship was on the other foot!??!! What if everything men had to say hadn’t been heard until the last one hundred years or so. Actually, maybe things would be….nah, we need all of us to be heard if we’re ever to make it out of the stupidity muck it seems the world has found.

So Mister Me can accept that fashion shows, world pageants, even back room pole dances are really about how people look, walk, sway, make muscles or bat eyes.

Everyone needs some fun

Everyone needs some fun

Thing is, a person’a intelligence should never be overlooked. If the world could keep it’s eye of the prize-the power of intellect-we might get somewhere. This is why Trump’s recent remark that Hillary hasn’t the look to be President is more than a bit off. What? Would he have ever dated Margaret Thatcher? That’s a low shot but it makes my point.

Looks can be deceiving. Worse, looks can kill more than a man’s ability to think with the correct head, they can kill the potential of many thinkers, hide them beneath a shroud of lust and the odd disdain some men have for owning those feelings. We as a people miss hearing thoughts we need to hear and respect because of  looks.

So, head’s up, men and women! And this time, Men, for this election and for the next bazillion years-at least for your lifetime- be sure the right head is up when a woman speaks. Cheers


*Actually, I don’t think it’s this title–but this book may cover the idea…

My books are on Kindle…. The Avatar Magic series, by Gerald Franquemont..I hope you’ll read them….


(Avatar Magic, by Gerald Franquemont, is on Kindle and can be downloaded onto most computers or reading devices.)

If there’s only one thing People are good at that would have to be procreation. I have to call it like it is. We are a determined lot-and that’s the nicest way I can think  to say it.

Has anyone seen my glasses?
Has anyone seen my glasses?

We have even endured and multiplied despite our incredibly incongruous,  inconstant, inept, illogical, idiotic, imbecilic, institutionalized initiated ,along with some other word beginning with an ‘i’ here, sense of Fashions throughout The Ages!

We’ve all heard about the moth to the flame? This is an allegory of mankind’s history with regard to our capacity and propensity as a people to procreate. But never have there been happier moth-like people than all of those who preceded 2013.  It doesn’t matter how over populated our places become, or how little food an area has-we continue to make more of us no matter what…More to the point, our history seems to indicate there’s always someone who runs faster than the other whether they be female or male. Hey, we’re unstoppable.

A 40 day flood ushered in by a huge asteroid hit followed by countless devastating plagues, famines and gruesome wars has barely dented our abilities to procreate and multiply.  But our biggest feat as a species is that despite our best efforts to stymie procreation through inventive and unbelievably unattractive fashions we’ve still found a way to continue on in mass copulating numbers. It’s plain and simple- I bet even Noah’s’ boat was rocking on the water. What? No Land? No People Magazine! No designer fashion jeans! “Who cares,” said they, “We have straw!”

The first fashion designers, Adam and Eve, said it best: fig leaves work. Even today, mind you this is a proven fact, people drink more when women dress in a grass hula skirt. But fashions went straight down that slippery slope of rising to the next level of incompetence only tens of thousands of years after the fig-leaf craze. I mean really. I think the loin cloth came next-has anyone ever heard of jock itch?

"Honey, I have joke itch." The Real Tarzan (circa long ago, or six years ago if you believe in all of that.)
“Honey, I have jock itch.” The Real Tarzan (circa long ago, or six years ago if you believe in all of that. And the thing that gets me here is how worried the chimp looks!)

It’s amazing when you think of it.  How ,even in the name of multitasking, with all the work  people have put into procreating  has anything else managed to get done? And maybe that’s why Fashion designers through the ages have worked so hard to slow down our multiplying masses?  “But Wait! ” you say, ” Designers work to make us more attractive!” Really ?!?!? Let’s get down to where  the real nuts and bolts of fashions have been,  and I’m not just talking about one of Fashion’s most famous clothing accessories-the chastity belt.

Locksmith were powerful people: someone always had the key.
Locksmith were powerful people: someone always had the key.

There have been many Historic Fashion statements seemingly capable of wiping out entire civilizations in the past. Take the Fashion flair of the long toed shoes of the 1500’s as a perfect example.

did we just have strange toes or taste back then?
Did we just have strange toes or bizarre taste back then?
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do?
“These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do?”

People wearing these shoes couldn’t hope to run fast enough to catch anyone who wasn’t interested in lying down-there’s just no way, it can’t be done.  A prolific fly buzzed in my ear and told me about typical party conversation back then: “Hey Victoria , you won’t believe the length of that guys’ shoes?” ; “Pardon Benton, have you seen the size of Mistress’ Valerie’s’ set of shoes?” Simply put, it was all about the shoe size for a brief period back then. Still, no body during this age did the deed with their shoes on; that  could hurt!

Show me a big wig dressed in fashion meeting another back in the 1700’s and I’ll show you a way to make a bed out of those wigs. I’m just saying maybe that’s why they wore those huge wigs back then? Again, as always, I guess size matters.

Did they put googly eyes on these?
Did they put googly eyes on these?

who needs a bed; I have one on my head.

“Who needs a bed? I have one on my head!”

I’m certain this could have been a headline during this period: “ Poor three foot tall Lord Bolton slipped, displacing his wig in such a fashion as to have himself buried alive in its curls, soon to suffocate.” But it’s more than people carrying a twenty pound weight upon their head that has me wondering about this Fashion statement.

What did big wigged people do during musical performances back then? Even today we still don’t have a machete law, despite the advent of McDonald’s hamburger growth hormone additives, that makes it legal to cut the too tall of a person sitting in front of us into two reasonably sized halves. So what did they do back then? Never mind-according to the explosive numbers of births during this age I’ve got a good guess.

Lately, Man has artfully endured see through plastic dresses-

Anyway, see through blouses, less than underwear swim suites, dresses that aren’t in length, pants held up by the knees,


unworkable 8 inch heels (no one runs or gets away in these), whips, chains (oops that’s been done before!), naked beaches, naked city runs, the Mardi Gras along with a vast array of mud ins, sleep ins and people artificially inseminated so they can have their 16th child, it’s all game today.

But please tell me this will never work!
Nice size, but please tell me these will never work!

You’d think considering man’s die very hard determination to multiply that the Earth would be on such a pronounced tilt by now that we’d all fall off. But even if that happened, at least one couple would hang on to survive, and that’s all it would take to completely repopulate the world in about, oh , five years, no matter the fashion.

Come get me: the lemon meringue pie look for the hunger?
Come get me: the lemon meringue pie look for the sweet-tooth hungry?


(Avatar Magic, by Gerald Franquemont, is on Kindle and the book can be downloaded onto most computers or reading devices.)

The Surgeon General has released a new study  that shows sixty years or more of marriage  leads to death in most cases. But what irks me  is this government study group had obviously misread my letter. I wasn’t talking about death and marriage, but deafness and marriage. Duh.

That’s right. What I discovered through an analytically observant process while watching my friends lives go down the tubes was that sixty years of marriage leads to deafness. (We’re not in the 1960’s anymore so I left out studies involving multiple marriage  partners, people married to the dead, twelve inmates on death row, invisible friends or people from past lives.)  But here’s the kicker: it really doesn’t take sixty years for marriage to kill ear drums, maybe not even twenty, ten  or five years but as little as fourteen months. Fourteen months marks the time when each partner realizes the one year anniversary wasn’t as neat as the first night of marriage. The marriage deafness begins right then.

My wife says I don’t hear her when she speaks–I know this because she left me a note in the John saying so. And that’s all odd . I’m certain she is talking all the time. I can tell by the slamming magazines, the side glances she casts my way and by the fact that her mouth is moving.  The truth is  I’ve come to understand acute marital deafness  by way of an old fart joke Mike Murphy told me years ago. Again, I never use names in my blog so don’t try to figure out who I’m referring to.

Anyway-the joke:

When people first meet they never fart; after a year of dating they fart, but very slowly or as silently as possible when in each other’s company; after one year of marriage they laugh if either person farts in the other’s company; five years of marriage means farting is routine; ten years begins the who can fart longer contests and then, finally, after twenty years of marriage each partner tries to fart in the other’s face.

Hearing is much like farting when it comes to marriage.  Unless you’re an average guy using  dick for brains,  when you first date you actually listen to what your date is saying. (BTW women listen very carefully to what a guy says in the beginning of a relationship since all that ammo can be used later on in the marriage.) And here I have to tell you that I’ve read a million books and remember none of their titles or the authors. But one guy/book said he’d done studies-must have been government funded- to show how many words a fellow had to let a woman say before he could sleep with her. I remember the wholesome gals took about ten thousand words, while hookers took two: ” Twenty bucks”.  Anyway, the point is Jed, who says I never get to one, is that Mike Murphy and Mike Petrocci both told me they’re each completely stone married deaf, which started this entire study of mine. I feel bad for them, actually I think their lives are in danger. I’m trying to save them. Here’s how:

My wife and I came to a workable solution to this marriage deafness phenomenon that never helped at all. Here’s how it goes. You line up ten or so grievances, for a lack of a better term, that you have with your aging spouse and number them one to ten. My shaving whiskers left in the sink was one of my wife’s bug-a-boos as an example. That complaint became number three. Number one was “It’s way too large,” and number two was,  ” You have too much money.” Ha, ha…not really-but never-you-mind about one and two. Anyway, with number three assigned she could simply yell out, “Number Three,” every morning and I knew what she was politely speaking about. See? Very simple. NO sense blabbering on when each partner can ignore a number just as easily.

I’d like to help you more, Lord knows Mike and Mike need it,  but one marriage trick per blog is enough. Curiously, however,  there is a bit more to talk about.

I realize ,as you must have, that this deafness is really a survival technique. I’m not talking about things like ” I didn’t hear you honey” about the wash, dinner date, laundry, dishes, clothes on the floor, her parent’s visit, mowing the lawn or taking off your work boots before coming into the house. (It doesn’t snow in Florida so I left out the whole snow-shoveling routine). No, I’m referring to survival as back in the caveman days.

History has shown that men used to drag women around by their hair as a way of keeping in touch with them. Who wants to lose track of a good woman? Anyway God, Zeus, Jupiter, Shiva, President Bush or Obama(you pick), the Devil, Shangdi or money decided that Man needed a bigger gene pool. Next thing you know men were getting tired of not hearing the same ol’ woman’s voice  and started looking for different ones they could hear. It was by way of a one or all of these religious entities that man was forced to turn a deaf ear on the woman they had and seek new companionship.

Fortunately, married men and women don’t cheat anymore so that’s all been worked out. But the deafness problem remains to this day.  It’s been like either two million years, or eight years, since the beginning of time  that man has been turning a deaf ear to their spouse.  You’d think, by now, they’d have a pill out that might cure this ongoing problem. Wait! Is Johnson and Johnson two guys or something? Anyway-good luck.


(Gerald Franquemont’s book, Avatar Magic, is on Kindle, and can be downloaded onto most computers or reading devices.)


Dorothy I agree:  we’re not in Kansas anymore.

I can't put my finger on it , but something has changed.
I can’t put my finger on it , but something has changed.

While Refs took the Super bowl to a whole new ball park when it comes to calls that looked as if they were paid for, San Fran took so many bad calls in the shorts I bet the whole team will have trouble walking for days. The calls stunk up the joint, but to be fair, unlike the game, my wife reminds me that I always think the refs cheat against the team I’m rooting for. I guess she means I’m always right?

But that’s all football, just the way the ball bounces, the way the cookie crumbles or how the Tostitos break, but wait!!!!! Who in the heck was that giving the whole world of dance an upgrade, or down grade depending upon your point of view, during  the half time exclothesaganza? One thing became obvious during this sizzlin’, smokin’, rockin’, poking, pushin’, body bumpin’, butt thrustin’, they  must be double jointed at the hip, movin’ riot of a 1/2 time performance: those women have it all over the average  beer bellied, couch sluggin’, fat fartin’, , daydreamin’, lard-cake fools most middle aged American guys pass off as themselves. Whoomp there it is!

Nitey-nite nities.
Nitey-nite nighties. See? Not Kansas.

Even Texas’ Pete’s hot sauce would have to give this performance a standing ovation.  (You know I’m working very hard here trying to keep this previous line clean enough to print!) Basically this women in nighties gig was little less than great pyrotechnics danced to in a soft porn fashion ..I kept wondering if I should be throwing dollar bills at the TV?

I needed three dollar bills
I needed three dollar bills! Honey where do we keep the change?

The light show, overhead view, the stage smoke and mirror effects were spectacular, and of course, ‘getup’ polls taken the day after the Super bowl show that 105% of the men who watched the game still had their eyes on  Beyonce’s moving belly or lower. So kudos to her-that singer can dance. And Beyonce can certainly sing as well, but sadly the listener didn’t get much of that during this show.

There can be no doubt that  the beer companies took the biggest hit during this half time undies show-no one left the screen to get a cool one. And legend has it that usually 90 million toilets flush during a Super bowl  half time show*, but this year only one toilet was flushed during half time, and that was at the home of a blind woman.

It was hysterical, gulp, having  my more than miffed wife sitting next to me during this performance as I tried to make the breast of it. Whoops! Of course I meant “the best of it”. I kept thinking I was sitting with a really large boat full of married men—-but even I have to admit that this half-time show wasn’t the high water mark when it comes to a society broadcasting  any sort of morals to a fourteen year old via the most watched show in the world. Say Huh?

Women have power; no one could have said “Whoa now check this out!” louder than Beyonce’s moves did last night. And you know the Greeks loved both the female and male form, but I ‘d have to say Beyonce just gave the female body an upgrade to the tenth power! Didn’t she say on a TV ad several years back that she wanted to give us all and upgrade? I think so. But this one was enough to keep Hermes’ Statue rock solid hard for the next 2000 years to come…

BTW, the rumor mill has it that Beyonce may also be the reason this guy's right arm fell off!?!?
BTW, the rumor mill has it that Beyonce may also be the reason this guy’s right arm and whatever else fell off!?!?

And the 1/2 time performance, though many men love watching a beautiful woman dance in black undies, was not appropriate for a family, (Hahahha), Super’Ball’ 1/2 time show. Come on fella’s! You remember those math tests we had to take in high school about two trains moving in opposite directions ? Talk about one train of thought moving from the Cloister’s in NYC at one hundred miles per hour while another train wreck of an idea is headed out from Chicago’s dealin’ back rooms moving at whatever speed you got when you clocked Beyonce’s gyrations!  When and where do these two trains of thought collide?

Just saying, the Superbowl committee  moved its TV time frame slot up to an earlier viewing hour in order to be more viewer friendly, but then they offer a pastie/undies half time show thinking this will help put the kids to sleep! I say you can’t cut both kid friendly and hot sexy ideas in half and then slap the two half’s together to make a reasonable whole. That is what a family houred show with strip club type half time gigs are: something less than whole. But then again, even Disney may be soaking up soft porno profits within its shadows** ?

So perhaps the whole world of entertainment is not black and white anymore, but 49 and 1/2 shades of grey! And maybe we don’t need Kansas’ conservatism to rule the roost in America any more either, but we could use a little bit of that Wizard of Oz straw man’s brains when it comes to distinguishing  from enjoyable to yet inappropriate. Even Beyonce seems to agree.

Here's a nod in agreement if I every saw one.
Here’s a nod in agreement if I every saw one.

– Franque


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