Foodish Cruisin’.

There was an odd thing about this latest cruise-I couldn’t lose weight no matter how much I ate!*

Honestly, I stayed dedicated to the diet, the attempt of a lifetime, certain to drain some of those unwanted pounds right into the ocean, but it was a no go.

I tried every thing.

Maybe, not everything…

 

No amount of fruit-all kinds- or drinks, smashes, frozen, a zillion shots in one cup!, beer(s) on tap, iced funny named booze, rum-filled pineapples that mysteriously looked like coconuts to me by day four, hot coffee, cold soda and one million gallons of water-forget it, nothing washed away the pounds!

I hammered the pork loin, roast beef, filet mignon(s), Chateaubriand-I can’t Belize how much they expected me to eat. But, I only ate two lobsters-this the weakest link of my feel and look young again planned execution for the cruise.

I had a solid, well thought out plan in place.

Lobsters swam through my dreams by night; veggies up the kazoo filled my plate by day. Omelets included kitchen sinks, and why not bacon, sausage, and chicken fingers for breakfast(?). I was tempted to pass up the cookies but never the flanges, meringues, I never tasted mango cream pie like that-not to mention the mango soup-but was there a type of cake I missed?-I think not. Still, I knew several helpings of cherry, blueberry or whatever berry crumb pie wouldn’t tilt my scale an inch. NO. I needed something more, but what?

Late night BUFFETS had to be the key to losing weight.

Of course, there was still a chance those mid-afternoon fix-a-stomach-slump piled a mile high burgers and fat fries would do the trick. Lord knows having four appetizers before dinner had failed miserably. Added to my chagrin, fellow sail-mate, Mike, could very well have been out eating me! I could see his face getting thinner by the day!

In the end, there was still more to eat.

I mean, one day is only one day. It was time to eat on. That’s when those late night pizza’s, sandwiches, surprise open buffet-Look more deserts!- came in handy to the plate before me. Fortunately for my eat away fat plan, the plates offered resembled foot ball fields that had been molded upward at the edges and stacked so they might be passed off as lunch/dinner dishes. They barely cleared the doorways. It was so simple to choose what to take from the selections offered-everything would fit nicely on those plates.

This cruiser was starting to get the idea…..

Foodish cruisin’ connoisseurs needed a fork and a fork lift to help haul food plates around as they selected seating. Mostly, the passengers were your average folk.

Some looked familiar.

Others had a vague look in their eye, like ones seen on the faces of mathematicians or scientists.

It was around Thursday, the fifth day of this cruising for losing voyage,  when my eat-the-galley-empty platform began to kick in. The ocean had been rockin’ for days, now my stomach had learned the tune. Nah, I wasn’t sea-sick, not at all-loved the rocking.(perk for alcoholics–no one could tell a drunk from someone sober when most people were banging against stairwells and corridor walls as they motivated to the next buffet line-honest.) Anyway, it was on Thursday afternoon when I looked upon the beautiful Caribbean turquoise waters and knew I’d succeeded.  I couldn’t eat another thing! I was done, finished, call it a wrap, over, full, completely out of the eating running game….until dinner. Those two hours were amazing, but for the hamburger…

Random idea-thought I’d float this on by.

The Spa really needs to add mouth stretching to its list of optional treatments.

About those burgers. The miracle was there. You get one, simple cheese burger and then float by a buffet add-on deal. Pickles, onion, olives, peppers, chili peppers, mushrooms, need more lettuce? and what about that special sauce anyway? Thing is, by the time I reached the other end of the maybe add this bar I didn’t have a hamburger anymore. It was more like a miniature Mount Everest had settled on my plate, and then it soon landed in my stomach.

I think this guy forgot the onions…..

I remember thinking that my stomach had come to resemble a ski-slope. That’s why I went down the three water work slides-somehow it all made sense.

When I add up the cost of all the food I diligently ate in an effort to lose weight, I figure the cruise ship lost about five thousand dollars on me. NO need to worry-I noticed most nights people were only eating one or two entrees at dinner. Certainly, the normal run-of-the-mill guest didn’t touch the five entrees I’d once ordered on a cruise some time back.( I am forever family famous for that as being one who’d mastered a gluttonous expertise.)

The SunShine six! Funny how the police give you a name and it somehow sticks!

It is with a remorseful sense of failure to comply to the strictest of standards when it comes to dietary eating that I must confess I am not lacking a single pound that I’d carried on board that ship at the start of the cruise. NO, the chocolate mousse, cheese Danish, Russian knock-offs and Istanbul wannabe cream puffs, the meringues, melting cups, cheese cakes, so many flange cakes of every flavor, those dang mango mille feuilles and panna cottas all went for naught.

I stared out our cabin window wondering where all that food I’d eaten had gone?!?! Then, I looked down. (Hint: Never look down on a cruise.)

Thing is, nothing worked about my plan, and I blame this all on those two nights I passed up the cream brulee. What was I thinking! I guess there’s always next time. “Try harder!” That’s what dad used to say.

Franquefood.

* Absolutely my wife’s joke.

here are links for both of my books in the Avatar Magic Series:

Book one, Avatar Magic and book two, The Code of Avatar Magic are on kindle now.

Book one:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B0NYO80/

Book two:     http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KXMIIOK